Thoughts on Love

I've always considered myself a hopeless romantic. I'm not really sure what the qualifications for the title are but I heard it once and decided that it best describes me. The past couple of years have done everything to tarnish that description. The truth is, up until a month ago I wasn't really sure that true love or love in general existed at all. I believe that the idea of love is just that! A mental abnormality that our society has come to embrace as normal. Sure, I would say that I have been "in love" a time or two. After analyzing those relationships I'm wasn't sure what exactly it was about those individuals that made me feel that way.

Of all the people I know I only know of one couple that I look at as the ideal love. These two people have been together for over 7 years. It started while they were in high school, carried on throughout college, and excelled into the real world. Words can not describe how happy I am for them and I pray and wish that their love and relationship is lifelong. I look at them as an example. Not to say they are perfect, because no one is, but their relationship is beautiful. Towards the end of this past summer I found myself smitten with a gentleman. I don't usually express my feelings of interest because I know how fickle I am. I lose interest as quickly as I catch it. I kind of wanted to see where things could go with this guy so I did what I always do when conflicted about an issue. I prayed about it. I just wanted a sign, something to tell me to go forward. Lo and behold, it hit me! I was driving home when I saw a man riding his bike. When he passed in front of my car he waved. I was so confused! Then I got a text that explained it all. It was from the guy whose relationship I admire. We chatted about his fiance and their new cat. After our convo it occurred to me that this was probably my sign!

I went ahead and asked my crush out for some lunch. I felt like I had no other choice. I had lived in my apartment for 2 years and never once spotted my old friend. It was all too ironic. Anyway, I went to lunch, had the best time, and started to swoon over this guy even more. The thought of actually liking someone kind of scared me. I hadn't had a love interest in over 2 years! I thought long and hard about what it was that I would want from this guy if I proceed with my feelings. I couldn't answer my own question. I want to attribute that to the fact that I'm not a pursuer. I've never had to chase a man and wouldn't have the slightest idea where to start. I would probably flash him my boob trying to say "I want you"! In true Penny fashion I got a little tipsy and confessed to him that I had a crush on him. How's that for romance! I was a little embarrassed at first, but then I felt relief. I had thrown my cards down on the table. If he reciprocated the feeling then good. If not then it would help me get over it.

During the time I was enamored and trying to figure things out I watched a movie called PaperHeart. I didn't expect to gain so much from a fictional documentary. I realized that I had been looking at things a little wrong. Love and relationships can not be looked at from a place of anger and bitterness. You have to keep an open mind and heart about the idea. True love may come and stay or come and go. Either way that is an experience that you were supposed to have. I felt a burst of rejuvenation in my brain and spirit. I know who my true love is. that person is gone from my life and I wouldn't have it any other way! The time that we shared taught me a lot, so there is nothing bad that can be said about that experience. Will I ever find that again? Maybe. Is a few months of pain and heartache just cause to write off the whole idea? Hell no! As I learned from the movie Love Jones, sometimes pain and heartache is a part a the cycle of love. If I allow myself to be bitter and withdrawn from the idea or possibility of love I'd have a lot more to lose than if I open my heart.

So there it is! My circle of thoughts about love. I'm good where I am right now. I'm single with no prospects in the near future but who knows what tomorrow holds?! I'll just keep an open mind to what might happen:).